Feeling overwhelmed and taking time out is ok.

WHEN YOUR EMOTIONS ARE ALL OVER THE BLOODY PLACE

I think when I’m feeling really ill I have a habit of shutting off from everyone. I go quiet, retreat into my own head and just get on with things in my own way.

There’s a lot going on at the minute, and not just physically. I’ve got some massive decisions to make about my future. Major surgeries or having a device fitted into my spine. Neither option is exactly a walk in the park!

I’ve also just had a urodynamics procedure done, which seems to have set off a massive fibromyalgia flare-up. I’m in a lot of pain, absolutely exhausted and struggling to think straight. The fatigue is unreal. I can’t even get my head around everyday things at the minute, let alone make life-changing decisions!

I’ve spent hours Googling, weighing up pros and cons, reading success rates and looking at possible outcomes. Honestly, Google is enough to send anyone over the edge 😂 The more you read, the more overwhelming it gets.

I could really do with a crystal ball to tell me which option is going to be best for my future self. Because it’s not just about getting through the next operation, it’s about what life looks like afterwards.

There’s also the hospital itself. People see another appointment, another procedure, another day of getting checked over. But sometimes walking through those doors brings back so much more than what’s happening that day.

Hospitals hold a lot of memories, and not all of them are good ones. They remind you of loss, of people, of difficult times and things you’ve already had to deal with. Sometimes you’re not just walking in carrying your current worries, you’re carrying a whole lot of history as well.

It can be emotionally exhausting before you’ve even got through the appointment.

There’s a whole grieving process that comes with chronic illness. You mourn your old life, the things you used to do without thinking, the freedom and the person you were before all this became your normal.

And part of me hopes that one of these options might give me a little bit of that back. A bit more freedom, a bit less pain and maybe some quality of life back. But that’s a hell of a lot to gamble on when you don’t know the outcome.

I think that’s why I shut off sometimes. I’m scared. Probably more than I let on. I’m scared of making the wrong decision, scared of what’s ahead and scared of leaning on people too much or constantly dumping my worries on them.

And here’s the funny thing about shutting yourself off. Sometimes all you actually want is a bloody cuddle, someone to sit beside you and tell you it’ll be okay.

Yet what do we do? We push everyone away, ignore messages, retreat into ourselves and convince ourselves we’re better off dealing with it alone.

It’s madness really! You crave comfort but make yourself completely unavailable to receive it.

And that’s a lonely place to be. Sometimes I think I actually make myself lonelier by shutting everyone out, even when having someone close is exactly what I need.

Most of my poor friends know my traits by now 😂 They know I go quiet and take myself off when things get too much. They generally understand and don’t take offence.

Unfortunately I always seem to upset someone along the way by taking time out. But honestly, it’s never personal. Sometimes I just haven’t got the energy to explain myself, reassure everyone else or even pretend I’m okay.

I’m not looking for sympathy or special treatment. Just a little understanding that sometimes I need to switch off and deal with my own head.

I’m still fighting, still digging deep and still trying to work out the best way forward.

Maybe I need to get better at letting people in instead of automatically shutting the door.

But bloody hell, wouldn’t life be easier with that crystal ball! ❤️